Now imagine seeing your heart walking around outside of your body and not being able to protect it, give it what it needs and having to leave it to fend for itself., scary huh? and I haven't even gotten to the poop, vomit, pee and 3 am feedings.. LOL !
Because I did not grow up with my own mother, I dreamed of being a mother someday. Not because my mother didn't want to raise me, but because she couldn't (will explain that one in another Blog or book someday soon ;-).
But when I finally found my mom when I was a teenager.. my first boyfriend took me to see her against my dad's wishes and I learned the real truth about why she didn't raise me, so with that information, I decided to either marry a man who already had children or just focus on caring for her and having that "big career" I had planned for myself.
That was before I met my future hubby and had Jordan, my oldest. My pregnancy with Jordan was not easy. I was not married when I got pregnant with him, was teaching a teenage girls bible class, had to step down from that for obvious reasons, lost my best friend, who stopped speaking to me and basically dealt with the whispers and sneers from church members until I was so stressed I had to find a new church to worship.
Mark and I had been dating for over a year at work, but had to keep it hush, because employees were not allowed to date or they could risk loosing their jobs, so many people at work assumed I was pregnant by one of my bosses ( a white guy who was already married with two children) which was added stress as well... Aint folks a mess! LOL !
After being giving meds to stop my labor at 36 weeks that didn't work, being in pain for an entire day and night because my cervix wouldn't dilate and a c-section, and being schooled quickly by nurses on how to care for a "preemie", there is was all 7pound 15 ounces of pure joy! He was all big eyed with dimples and curly hair and was a vision of beautiful chocolate goodness! I was thrilled and TIRED all at the same time..
But 6 days after, my world came crashing down. Jordan got sick. VERY SICK. he contracted bacterial meningitis. We were told once he was admitted into the hospital and in quarantine screaming in pain because he was too young to give pain meds to expect him to pass away by the next day. Another little boy had been admitted at the same time who was a year old with his young mother and grandmother standing close by. I approached her and asked her what was his prognosis and she had been told the same. One hour later her son had passed and I was on my knees.
I asked the Lord if it was his will to take him to not let him suffer, but to go ahead and take him like he did the other child. It was not Jordan's fault that he had been born to me or to take me instead. It was the first time I realized I loved Jordan WAAY more than I loved myself. The days went on and Jordan suffered a stroke and many seizures. I became a TYRANT at the hospital. I wanted him watched at all times and if it didnt happen, staff had to face me. I became known to the nurses as the "Bitch in 206" Jordan's hospital room number. But really I could care less, I was determined that I was going to do all i had to do to ensure Jordan got the best of care.
Since Mark and I had been dating for over a year at work, but had to keep it hush, I watched him come to the hospital at night awaken every time we could see Jordan during the night in ICU and then head to work each day as if nothing was wrong. He had to hear about the stroke and seizures Jordan was having over the phone and still continue his work day. But each day and night he was always there.
One month later, a few days before Christmas, God gave me Jordan to take home. To the amazement of the nurses on staff, he had not lost his hearing or vision as we had been told from the antibiotics and his last bone scan for bacteria had come back negative. Other than taking seizure meds, he was deemed healthy. The nurse that took us down for the last bit of testing told me her daughter had the same thing and was 3 years old and still could not walk or talk. I FELT BLESSED.
On Christmas day, Mark proposed while pretending to exchange Christmas gifts with me and Jordan at my town home.
We got married, bought a house, and had Xavier all in one years time!
We got pregnant with Xavier when Jordan was just 10 months old!
I often joke that when my Gynecologist came into the examine room and asked me if I had failed Sex Education I knew I was in trouble!!! LOL!
I kept thinking Lord, when I asked for my children to be close I meant "love each other" not close in age!
By then, I had left the workplace where Mark and I met, we had learned that marriage was work and not always fun, REAL life grown up stuff had settled in.
With Xavier I thought I was having twins. I was HUGE. I gained 70 pounds and I could not eat anything.
He came into the world at 38 weeks, planned C-Section that never happened because I went into labor before I made it to the hospital and had to be put to sleep to get him out.
He lived up to his name, Xavier ( STRONG, MIGHTY) , he weighed 11pounds 15 ounces and the nurse in the operating room said that was only because he peed when he came out! LOL!
The nurses on the floor nicknamed him Hercules and he looked the part. I had to have Mark go get him something to wear cause they didnt have onsies that would it him and he left the hospital wearing 3-6 month clothes.
He was given antibiotics at birth to prevent him from getting the same bacterial infection as Jordan did.
By all accounts he was the perfect baby and Jordan was the best big brother, not at all jealous like I thought he would be, but trying to help with him as much as a 17 month old baby himself could.
But one year later after a fever after his MMR and DTP shots, Xavier began to change.. and so would our lives forever.
You are such a strong woman and have endured so much. I love you and hope to be a great mom like you are to Jordan and Xavier.
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