Not the First Bad News

The follow up for Xavier's testing this past Thursday has not been the first time a doctor has given me bad news about one of my children, especially Xavier.

The doctor that diagnosed Xavier with autism when he was 30 months old pretty much told me he was a "wrap"

I remember that day so well.  He was a well respected child neurologist in Memphis. I had taken Xavier to him after he had lost language and seemed " disconnected" to me in the last six months and had started having violent tantrums and screaming sessions that lasted for what seemed like forever.  He was also doing things like turning the TV up very loud and then standing in front of it covering his ears? Then it was the fact that he didn't seem to catch on to my " momma" face.. You know the face, that your mom gives you when you are out of line to let you know you are on the verge of " getting it".. Jordan knew that face so well., Yet, Xavier seemed like he either totally ignored me or would just  smile back and keep doing what he was doing.. when I would spank his hand, he seemed surprised and confused at what he had done wrong. I was beginning to think he would be a very handsome, but not so bright young man..

My pediatrician had said he was having the terrible twos, but I had been through the terrible twos with Jordan and I knew better.

Xavier had also stopped sleeping during the night and at first I thought it was because  Mark was working at night at Fed Ex and that maybe he picked up on the fact that he was not there.

 Mark had thought that I had spoiled him and that he acted out only when he was not at home. After all, after Jordan had became sick and came home , I admittedly spoiled him rotten and I didn't care WHO knew it. 
Xavier was no different, he and Jordan were like "living dolls" to me, everything they did was funny and sweet. I loved dressing them up and taking them out. They had me wrapped around their fingers and they knew it..;-)

But one night when Mark was at work, Xavier would not go to sleep and for seemingly no reason had started one of his violent tantrums, instead of trying to stop him, I took him to his bed so he wouldn't hurt himself as he kicked and swung his arms and screamed and I got the video camera and taped him. When Mark got home, I gave him the video camera and showed him what I had taped. It was obvious THIS WAS NO NORMAL tantrum. This was not normal at all.  After watching the video, Mark almost in tears, agreed we needed to take him to another doctor.

This time I decided to take Xavier to this doctor, because of his credintials and  in hopes he could give me some answers.

Within 10 minutes in his office, with Xavier sitting in the floor staring at a toy as he often did, the Dr asked me a few questions.

Then he said these words " I am 99 percent sure he has Autism". I will send you to a Child Psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis"
" How old are you"  and I said 29.  he said " do you have other children" I said yes, another son he is four years old, they are 17 months apart. " Is he developing normally?  I said yes, ..
                   Then he said something and had me do something that forever changed the way I view doctors to this very day.

He said  "You are still young, you can have another child". " I will have my staff give you a list of facilities that will take him".
" Don't worry he wont miss you, he doesn't even know who you are".  

When I gave him a look of disbelief, he had me step out of the office and close the door behind me. 
Then he asked "Do you hear him crying for you?" " He has not moved or even noticed you have even left the room".  "He will never know you". "These children are in their own world". "It is nothing you have done, it is something that just happens".

When I came back in the office, he gave me a list of facilities that took disabled children and a list of Child Psychiatrists. I scooped Xavier and his diaper bag up from the floor and proceeded to the front desk to pay my co-pay.

I sat on the parking lot of Lebonheur with Xavier in the back seat in his car seat staring into space and I cried.
I had been at Lebonhuer before, the hospital , the ICU with Jordan and I just knew I would NEVER come back, but now I am here.

I am not sure how long I sat, but eventually a security guard came over and asked if I needed help. I told him I would be ok and I drove home.
When I got home, Xavier as he always did during that time, began to cry.
When Jordan got upset, I could always figure out what was wrong, he had fallen, he was wet, he was hungry, but with Xavier it seemed he just cried for no reason.

This day I just sat and held him and I made him a promise that I will NOT and have not broken to this day..

" I know you are upset, because you cant talk and it seems like I am your mom and I cant help you, but as long as I am breathing and you are willing to allow me, I will lean on the Lord and I will help you in ANY way I can." I will not leave you, I will be with you every step of this because I brought you here and I owe you that much" and for the first time in a long time, Xavier was quiet and looked me in my eye and it gave me the strength to fight....

Sunday, August 19th
Good morning Kimberly,
Here's Today's Devotional from The Vine...
The Unfailing Helper
Jesus answered, "Faithless and perverse generation! How long will I be with you? How long will I bear with you? Bring him here to me." - Matthew 17:17
The disciples had failed in their effort to cast out the demon, but there was still hope. Jesus Himself was now at hand, and He could not fail. There should be a great deal of encouragement in this for all who are trying to change people's lives into spiritual beauty. When parents have done all they can to make their children true and upright in their character, and have failed, they can take them to Jesus. He can cast out the evil that is in them. He can give them new hearts. He can put His own Holy Spirit within them, and transform them into Christlikeness.
When teachers have unteachable students, on whom they can make no impression, their discouragement and failure should lead them to bring them to Jesus, for He is able to take them and transform their character. When troubled souls have sought in vain for comfort and help from the Church and from Christian ministers, they should go to Christ Himself, for He can comfort. No matter in what we have been defeated, Christ stands ready to take our humiliation and turn it into victory. The disciples had worked all night in vain, but when they dropped their net at Jesus' request, they finally met with success. So always in the shadows of our human failure He stands to give blessing.
There is another thought here. It is to Christ, and not merely to the school or the church or the minister, that we should try to lead our children and our friends. The teacher cannot regenerate the child. The church cannot renew its nature. The minister cannot cast our the evil in the child's heart. Unless we bring our children truly to Christ they will remain unchanged. Baptism does not wash the heart. The Lord's Supper does not put grace into the life. We must bring our friends and ourselves directly to Christ.