Emotions

There are so many emotions a mother experiences when she has a child.
Worry, excitement, fear, ....
Once that child is born there will be many times she will question whether what she is doing is right.
Especially when the child is an infant and cant really tell her what hurts or how they are feeling.

You also have many dreams for your child, some logical, some not.
I can remember being smaller and having my mother and my Ma-Dear sing the Miss America song for me, but I am sure they knew that was a long shot....I was pure TOM- BOY.. LOL !

When a parent has a new child, they have all kinds of dreams for them, but when they find out they have special needs, many of those dreams shatter.

Instead the parent goes into a cycle of  never ending grief.

According to The Kübler-Ross model,  The Five Stages of Grief, include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Most times a mother or parents may go through these stages one by one or as I have found, sometimes, I can feel two or more at once.

When Xavier was first diagnosed, the only way I could describe the way I felt was like having my child die and having to attend his funeral daily.

Many times as the years went by and I could see more things Xavier was not doing that kids his age were doing and my image of the baby I had, the toddler and the little boy I had dreamed he would be the day I brought him home, shattered one by one, day by day, year by year.

Most times we expect to not be able to tell what is going on with our infant. Most times we look for a special cry to tell us they are hungry, wet or just plain tired, But as our kids get older they are able to tell us when they are hungry or hurt or anything else and parenting becomes a little bit easier.

For me and Xavier the same cycle continues.
He uses what little language he has to express his feelings the best he can, but there are still times when I am clueless as to what is going on with him.

The stages of grief are a never ending revolving door. One I know I will continue to push my way through forever.

There have been times I have been in anger. Angry at God, angry at myself for not seeing Xavier's autism earlier or missing something that has caused him a meltdown today at school.

There has been times I have been in bargaining, asking God to give me some sort of sickness to heal Xavier, or telling God I would do all kinds of stuff to see him healed.

There has been times I have been in depression. Depressed because there is some treatment we cant afford to give him when he needs it. Depressed because I see so many things he is missing out on or just physically, mentally and emotionally tired from all the extra things he requires.

One stage I can say I have never been in is Denial and I consider it a DANGEROUS place to be in. Mainly because if one is in denial they can not do better, cant get better and thus they do not grow, so they die.

Many people say that being in acceptance is basically lying down and saying you accept Autism and all the things your child can not or will never be able to do. I disagree.

 I feel that acceptance is when you know your child has limitations and you have decided to work within those limitations to make your child the best they can be considering the circumstances.

One thing is I try to be aware of what stage I am in at all times as I know it will affect how I deal with Xavier and the situation at hand.
If I have to attend an IEP meeting for him, or take him to the doctor or work on a behavior issue he is having, I try to know what I am feeling first so I can go into that situation  aware of what I am feeling and how that will affect my actions.

I have been told that Stress is the distance between your expectations and your reality. The larger the gap, the more stress.

So in acceptance I feel I have shortened the space between what I expect from Xavier and what is reality.
I have decided to meet him where he is., but nobody said I cant try to lead him to where I want him to be..;-)