We just went back to the doctor yesterday for the 4th time in a 6 weeks and he started taking his regular med on a different schedule that seemed to work great on yesterday, but today on my way to work I got a call to come pick him up from school.
When the call comes in I am driving to work and Mark has called from work to be sure his new blue tooth is working.. and I abruptly hang up from him telling him it is the school.
I tell his teacher I am turning around and I call in to work.
They tell me to go around the back of the school so I can park on the hallway his classroom is located.
When I get there one of the Parapros is waiting for me outside.
The Principal, teacher and a black man I had not seen before are standing in the doorway of a room I believe Xavier is in and I hear the loudest banging noise coming from inside..
What I saw when I arrived was devastating to say the least .....
He was angry, lying on the floor in the Sensory room kicking a file cabinet so hard I could hear it as I came down the hall.
I was told he had hit the clock on the wall and broken it. It was lying in the floor. He has also hit his teacher and para pro and even tried coming at the teacher to choke her.
I haven't seem him this aggression in about 4 years and when he heard my voice, he was stunned.
We worked SO hard last year to get his aggressions down.
This was the first time I had given him Psychotropic drugs to help with it.
His County School Behavior Specialist came to the school almost every day to work with him and I worked with a Behavior Specialist from the Marcus Institute at home for 10 weeks at 250 bucks a session.
His aggressions went from 32 in a month to 2 a month and they were nowhere near as intense as they had been before. He is filmed and used in the training sessions for the Autism classroom teachers in the County and viewed as a success story.
He had a great Summer, had no issues.. Even took break from his meds at the advise of his doctor with no issue. But now the floor is falling out from under us.
So as he sits up in the floor and he can see the hurt and sadness in my eyes as I tell him " We do not DO THIS" and ask him " What is the matter with you?' and he begins to cry., So does his teacher and I try to hold back my tears to be stern as I tell him he has to put his shoes back on so we can go home. The remainder of his class is loading the bus outside for Community Skills.
For a few minutes he refuses to put them on, asks for the red scooter in the Sensory room instead as if to try to bargain with me to stay at school. But I tell him his behavior means he has to go home today and he sits and cries and feel the tears welling up in my eyes as well..
After I start to put on his shoes and his teacher and I tell him he has to stand up, he finally gets up to leave and when we ask him if he hit the clock , he says no. When we ask him if he hit his teacher, he says yes and I tell him to apologize and he does.
The Principal for Special Needs rubs him on the head. On the way out the door, his teacher asks him for a hug and he hugs her.
As the principal walks us back to the back door his teacher tells him goodbye and he tells her goodbye and that he loves her..
She is still wiping away tears as the para pros tell her they have to load the bus now and that they have already put her backpack inside He then tells his principal goodbye and that he loves her and we walk out the door and it ends just like that.. ...
On the way home, Xavier acts as if nothing just happened. He ask for computer and I tell him he lost that privilege as he earns it each afternoon by being good all day at school.
Once home , I tell him to go to his room, I try to make sure he understands that he has done something wrong,
I try to do this while wanting to cry and hug him and tell him that I am trying to find out what is going wrong.
I want to fix it so badly.
These moments in his Autism are indeed the hardest for me.
I feel like I am his mom and I want to make it better, but I cant and I feel helpless in those moments.
I now sit as I always do, in the quiet of the house, trying to figure out where I went wrong and I admit, I am at a lost and totally frustrated as I sit missing a day of work while he is now asleep in his room.
So many things run through my mind when he has a change in behavior like this..?
Was it something he ate, maybe I should not have given him his sinus meds this morning?
Maybe be he should not have worn jeans, since this episode seemed to start when he asked for "red pants" at school when he doesn't own a pair?
Maybe this is puberty? Is his hormones changing? Maybe the break in the Summer was a totally screw up and now has thrown him all the way to left field.?
Maybe he ate too many eggs?..
My mind is running in circles.
Doctors are little help. THEY GUESS.. Yes I said it, they guess at what would help because the Government has done little to no research as to what will help our kids.
If you google " Autism Aggressions" you will find all sorts of people suggesting ALL sorts of things from HEAVY Psychotic drugs to Homeopathic remedies.. Here are a few sites
http://www.drugs.com/forum/
http://www.disabled-world.com/
http://www.circleofmoms.com/
http://pediatrics.about.com/
While I am searching the Internet to keep my mind off of crying , Mark calls , I really don't want to talk, but know if I don't answer he will not be able to concentrate for the rest of the day at work, so I do..
In the past, I did not like to talk to Mark when Xavier is having a hard time.
I always felt like it would be distracting to him , especially when he was at work.
It felt like I twas burdening him and usually once I heard his voice over the phone I would cry.
Maybe because I knew if no one else in the world could feel what I was feeling at the time, he could , so no matter how much I had been able to hold back the tears when I talked to him, they would flow, which I felt like made it worse for him.
But one day he brought it up and told me how he felt I shut him out, told me that not calling him made him more upset at work.
He was left to wonder and that was worse to him.
So now, I don't withhold when he calls even if I really don't feel like talking... I do...
I tell him what happened and he is upset. I tell him to go back to his desk at work and I will handle it as I always do.
He tell me he loves me and to not beat myself up. We both have a tendency to do this when Xavier is having a rough time.
We try to figure out what we did or didn't do that could have caused it..
But have learned to never blame each other and not let each other beat ourselves up..
As I type, I start to get texts from Xavier's teacher asking how he is doing and that she wants to start documenting everything he takes in until we find out what is going on with him , while one of the Para pros texts me to tell me she loves her boy and is praying for me and the tears start to flow again....
I almost cant believe I STILL GOT PRAISE in my heart, but I do..
Praising God for a school and staff that loves my son, in spite of his faults..
Praising God for a concerned Husband and father...
Praising God that I am able to come see about Xavier on a drop of a dime.
Even praising him for the tears because I know they are my release..
So today is a day I don't now what to do, So I will sit still and be quiet and know the Lord will see me through..
www.childrenofdestiny.com
Parent's Prayer: for Thursday , September 20, 2012
Dear Heavenly Father,
There are times when we feel how helpless we are to make life turn out alright for our children. In our own strength, we are unable to keep accidents, evil, and disease from touching them. There are times when we wonder what the future holds, especially for Xavier.... Lord, in those times when we feel helpless, remind us that all of our hope for this precious child is in you. You have a plan and a purpose for his life, and your mercy and power are sufficient. Lord, in this day I pray that you would use us to help mold and shape him. Give us great wisdom to know how best to help him continue to reach his potential. But most of all, help us to always trust you for those things that we cannot control, knowing that your love for him is even greater than ours.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
There are times when we feel how helpless we are to make life turn out alright for our children. In our own strength, we are unable to keep accidents, evil, and disease from touching them. There are times when we wonder what the future holds, especially for Xavier.... Lord, in those times when we feel helpless, remind us that all of our hope for this precious child is in you. You have a plan and a purpose for his life, and your mercy and power are sufficient. Lord, in this day I pray that you would use us to help mold and shape him. Give us great wisdom to know how best to help him continue to reach his potential. But most of all, help us to always trust you for those things that we cannot control, knowing that your love for him is even greater than ours.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen
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